Why you shouldn't read sexy magazines

Dear TDJ, your expert in love-o-logy is back and is about to put certain sexy headlines to shame in an open letter.

Just to put it out there, I haven't picked up any sort of magazine for maybe over a year. Even when I would waste money on that type of stuff (usually to appear cool on the beach or to cut out some pictures for my room), I never took anything to heart and only followed my intuition and past experiences. But, I feel that it is time to take some of these things to heart.

Example 1 - Cosmo: 
Cosmo tells me that when my man is stressed I should fix him up with a bowl of chips and a fruity cocktail. No, I'm not kidding. That is what Cosmo says!

Dear Cosmo, when MY man is stressed, the best thing that I can do for him is to leave him the f#@k alone! Because HE, like any other man, needs his cave to figure stuff out. He definitely does not need a fruity cocktail. I need that when I'm stressed. Did a girl write that advice?

Example 2 - Ask Men
Ask Men magazine writes on what women consider to be good sex: something with vibrators, cuddling and women being a "knob" versus a "switch" (aka not always ready for it like men are).

Dear Ask Men, first of all, I mind your wording. It comes across as if all women consider this to be good sex. Next thing you know, a man goes ahead and pulls out vibrators and sprawls out all sweaty on top of me afterwards. Gross. Maybe a shower first and maybe stop advertising cuddling cause it totally sounds stupid by now? Second, not all women use vibrators. In fact, not many at all. Third, women are just as much of a switch as men are. Yes, they are probably moodier but it is a proven fact that women want sex more often than men do. Don't break your beak wooing me now, dear.

Example 3 - Cosmo #2
Cosmo ignites fumes in me by telling me that the perfect age to get married is 29-30, because these are "great positions to have a happy, stable marriage" due to stabilized money and completed education.

Dear Cosmo, it is because of propaganda like this that both men and women run around in their 20's and early 30's chasing the perfect career or the perfect marks, and then settle for whatever just to get married at the "right age." If for half of your life you made sure to stay away from commitment you will A. not know what commitment is at this proposed golden age, and B. enter a relationship for a wrong reason (just to get married). I can assure you that I made it through school with the highest marks in most of my classes, with professional experience, and wait for it... while being in the best relationship I could ask for.

Example 4 - Men's Health
Men's Health magazine encourages men to find "the one." Here is some proposed judgement criteria: she buys you shaving cream when you are all out, she initiates sex while cooking, and she works out.

Dear Men's Health, before I get to your lame tips, I would like to request that you stop telling men to look for "the one." That is why we get those creepy douchebags throwing around pick up lines like they just got some sort of a disease that limits their vocabulary.  And in terms of the criteria you propose, there isn't a check-mark type of thing in dating. When you really fall in love, you don't test that person's performance and you learn to compromise if things get sour. Also, the only time I will buy MY man new shaving cream is when I am buying myself new shaving cream. Otherwise, he isn't a baby and is perfectly capable of doing it himself. That's how men get spoiled. 

This list could go on endless.

Ladies and gentlemen, you don't need me to tell you that sexy magazines are lame and in many cases, provide totally wrong advice. Trust me, Bob and Joe don't know what you should do with your sex life.

Cheers mates.